It's been two years or so now since my screenplay for The Punisher went into production, and now I can't seem to get started on another one. Any tips on how to beat the block?
Frustrated of San Bernardino
Don't despair! Chain yourself to that word processor! That done, heave it off a bridge.
Last week we like, got invited out to our boss' place? And we were smoking a little bud, and our boss goes and totally dies on us. So we, like, propped him up in his seat, and grabbed his arm and stuff, and he's like, waving, and we had to do fake voices? I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.
His Excellency Cardinal Chad 'The Chadster' Zuwicki, Vatican City
Stage a water-skiing accident, and prepare your souls for the Pit.
Here I am with a hundred and fifty terrorist suspects crammed into the holding cells, and my granddaughter has run off with the Barney DVD! Can you recommend anything really excruciating that I could pick up from the video store, as I need to fill the interrogation quota for the week.
Donald Rumsfeld, The Pentagon, Washington DC
You could do worse than the Dominic Sena-directed double bill of Gone in Sixty Seconds and Swordfish. Two memorable villains: Chris Ecclestone plays a Liverpudlian LA crime boss obsessed with woodworking, and John Travolta plays a man paying his aviation fuel bill. The scene where Hugh Jackman tries to make writing assembly code look thrillingly sexy will have your detainees gnawing their own arms off (and you save on the dog handling bills.)
Yours in Christ,
PS Would it kill you to pick up Sena? Secret trial, is what I'm thinking, and invoice his widow for the bullet.
What is the martial arts style favoured by Steven Seagal, and do you know of a reputable sensei?
The Late Orson Welles, Whispering Glades, LA
Simplicity itself! Seagal's Aikido has evolved over the years, and is now known as harite-waza, or 'Fat Man Slapping'. You will require the traditional martial uniform of a giant overcoat with corset-like properties. Stand upright, arching your back so as to present your paunch in the direction of your opponent, and raise both hands in front of your face, palms facing. Now chop the air alternately as fast as your bulk will allow. A minute to learn; a lifetime to master.
Why haven't you updated your blog for the last two months?
Bill Rebane, Circle Pines WI
For a variety of reasons, but mainly that the Master and I have been going through a rough patch. He's depressed, as the last time we had a vacationing couple through here they laughed at his cape and told him he had 'a Freddie Mercury thing going on'. Plus, Rex the devil dog has dysentery. The poor guy could barely muster the energy to induct the women into his diabolical service. I know it's a bad time for him, but meanwhile it's me who has to keep the place looking damp and oily, never mind the trouble I've been having with my knees, and is there ever a word of thanks? But I've said too much.
In the run-up to the General Election, I've become really tired of the cheap jokes characterising me as a vampire, just because my ancestors came from Transylvania and I give everyone the creeps. What can I do to get this unfunny association out of people's minds and focus them on the task of electing a Tory government?
Nosferatu, Carfax Abbey
Things are looking up! The British People are looking for fresh blood, and your nemesis Peter Cushing is no longer drawing his stake-holder pension. Go for the jugular! And so on.
Ever since my boss saw the last Bond film, he's been on my case about how come we haven't built him an invisible car yet. An INVISIBLE FUCKING CAR? Does he have ANY FUCKING IDEA how FUCKING RIDICULOUS THAT IS?
'X', MI6, Vauxhall Cross
On the other hand, you could run over Jeremy Clarkson, and no-one would be the wiser. I say, go for it!
Yours in hope,
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Burt Bacharach, Kansas City MO
By an amazing fluke of genetics, I smell exactly like Tippi Hedren.